Will I be different?

السَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُم Peace be upon all...
I m in my reflective mood again after days of lepaking and not wanting to do much around the house ... writing my thoughts looks like a better option than slogging at the never-ending household chores. The chores can wait but my reflective mood will be harder to catch when its gone. How I wish I will insha'Allah be more discipline in my daily chores ... I wonder if it will make any different if I had been brought up differently.

That thought was always lingering in my mind after I attended any of my children school's events and now as the year end comes, I pondered and compared my children's school life today to that of mine. I hope they have a better start in life. I wonder would I be different if I was given the opportunities that my children had?

Alhamdulillah, to begin with as parents, we are better informed than our parents were. When I was in school my parents decided to leave me alone and I had to decide for myself what I wanted to do with my life or whether I wanted to study or work. I had to start working part-time when I was 15 and every school holidays I will hold a full-time position at a factory near my home to help myself with my school's expenses. My eldest sis will give me some pocket money to help with transportation. So the rest I would have to deal with it myself. Yes - even if I wished to be absent from school - I could write my own letter and get my father to sign it - with no questions asked. :P

Alhamdulillah - I was not fond of loitering - if I cant stay home or go to work I will either, go for a run or go to the library. The books were my escape route - eventho I had to travel an hour plus by bus just to get there - its worth it. I will spend almost whole day there and went back straight home when it's near closing time or when it got too crowded. I was not a nerdy (my schoolmates can verify that) and don't look like a friend-less being. It is just that I LOVE being left alone. With 7 siblings at home - there was never a place at home that you could be alone. Being in school that was so far away from your neighbourhood also meant it was not easy for you to meet up with your close friends from school. Another reason was that meeting friends required expenses and I did not have much. The strange thing was I never felt I was alone. I was always with someone - the characters of the books that I read.  

Will I be different then if I had gone to a school near my home and my school friends were in my neighbourhood? Maybe ... maybe not but things happened for many reasons and the schools and experiences that I went through were what made me what I am today. No regrets ... except for my own flaws in not being able to pick up good manners, social skills and etiquette that had caused hurt feelings along the way. If any of you read this I apologise sincerely i had no intention of hurting anyone, it was just that I was sense-less at that point of time and at times even till now.

Due to my lack of social skills - I did not know what to hold back and how to say things with wisdom, basically I lacked social skills BIG TIME. As such I had hurt my friends, teachers, colleagues, students, family members and even my own children too many a time. Alhamdullilah when I realised I had made such mistake I would seek forgiveness from others as soon as possible. 

And I forgave and forget others with no qualms basically most of the time I did not realise what they did was meant to hurt me. So when they apologized - I thought nothing of them and forget about it. It's like - if you don't think you will do such things to others you will not think others will do it to you. I would usually accept things at face value as it is without assuming its double-standard, racist, biases and what not. Such attitude had helped me moved on even though I was obviously battered (usually pointed out by someone else - hahaha) I still could not see it till its over - but by that time I felt it was ok - I survived after all. It was not because of my "Never say die" attitude but it was more of "Ignorance is a bliss" attitude. :) 

Now as I am in my 40s...I become more sensitive and easily hurt - probably due to age and also my own expectations... so this phase of my life I hope Allah will give me enough wisdom to face the challenges that He had planned for me. I hope and I prayed insya'Allah I will pass it with flying colours. I am ever in gratitude to Allah for giving me the good health, family and children and friends that are comforting to my eyes and rezki that is more than enough for us. May Allah help me to move graciously through this phase of my life ... امين امين امين ياربالعاامي

بِسۡمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحۡمَـٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ  

ٱلۡحَمۡدُ لِلَّهِ رَبِّ ٱلۡعَـٰلَمِينَ 

قَالَ يَـٰنُوحُ إِنَّهُ ۥ لَيۡسَ مِنۡ أَهۡلِكَ‌ۖ إِنَّهُ ۥ عَمَلٌ غَيۡرُ صَـٰلِحٍ۬‌ۖ فَلَا تَسۡـَٔلۡنِ مَا لَيۡسَ لَكَ بِهِۦ عِلۡمٌ‌ۖ إِنِّىٓ أَعِظُكَ أَن تَكُونَ مِنَ ٱلۡجَـٰهِلِينَ

He said: My Lord! Lo! in Thee do I seek refuge (from the sin) that I should ask of Thee that whereof I have no knowledge. Unless Thou forgive me and have mercy on me I shall be among the lost.

Hud:47