the difference ... in confidence & self esteem...

Peace be to all...
I met a dear friend, Lina and her family the other day and as usual we will exchange news and talk about our children. While I have 3 girls and a boy (youngest), she has the exact opposite. So our experience differ in raising our children. While my girls can sit quietly, play or read among themselves in a corner (even my son is able to do the same thou he will run around when he is outdoor or restless), her boys will start wrestling with each other and run around the room almost every second. The girl will just sit at a corner watching tv and oblivious of the boys.

I love watching their reactions and the activities that they come up with ... but the noise level, a little bit too high for me but for a short period - I can bear with it and enjoy it while it last ... no wonder i have more girls than boys and I tot I was better with boys (before we have the girls - hahaha), only Allah knows best. The girls get noisy too but I will not allow them to carry-on for long. And so our parenting styles differ accordingly ... they are stricter than us or shall I put it more organized and disciplined than us in most areas.

When they were young our children will at least have 1 hour physical activities every day - outdoor if possible. Lina would let hers played at home and only occasionally brought them out. They were too active, rowdy & too difficult to control - she said.  My children, didn't attend supplementary classes or play group apart from chilcare/kindergarten, Quranic reading and madrasah; but she sent hers to  all of the above and more language, maths and others.

When they started primary school - I told my children their bags and school's work and stuffs were their responsibility to look after. They could come to us when they need assistance but they were on their own. We stopped buying assessment books when my eldest was in P4 because we did not force them to do it (as learning should be self driven) so the books were usually not used, we decided to give away those books and stopped buying.

Lina and her hubby will diligently look tru their children's stuff and make sure they do their homework and sit with them to make sure they do the exercises in the assessment books that they bought. They told me if they did not sit with them - the children will not do it. I agree with that; that was why my children did not do any because we were not as consistent.

We are happy with our children's progress in school but they keep telling us they are disappointed with their children's. So when we met they other day, Even tho I was always ready to give her tips and advice but I realized, obviously our parenting style differs and what works in our home does not necessarily works in theirs ... then I noticed that even tho the children were busy with their activities and the girl seemed oblivious to her surrounding - the children were listening (or within the ear shot) to whatever their parents were saying.

Is this the case of self-Prophecy? - I asked myself. Do they trust their children? Is the law of attraction, attracting the negative forces? At that moment, the parents' voices, the children's reactions was like moving slowly in front of me and i managed to catch - those little movements and signals that were visible. The children were confirming the parents thoughts by reacting the way the parents were expecting them to react. I had to put a stop to this - I told myself.

Sadly, such thoughts are very true to many concerned parents, like Lina and her husband, they shows more of thier disappointments and worries than praises and trust to their children. As a result, their children lack the confident of being able to do well on their own. They lack the confident of putting trust in themselves for them to do well. They loose their self-esteem every time they heard their parents' disappointments. The thoughts of being a disappointments to their parents had been drummed in their heads that they denied themselves of the success to be otherwise. It is a case of self-prophecy - in this case the children are fulfilling their parents' wishes to be disappointed and that they are not good enough like other children. One other very sad thing is parents began to believe that their children are probably not as smart as other children ... and when I heard that from Lina, I turned red and so i told her these:

• First and foremost as parents we have to believe that our children are smart and genius in their own way. Each of them has the potential to excel and do well. You may not see what your child is good at today, have patience and put your trust in Allah and in the child that she/he will try her/his best and you will find their potential.We also have to lower our expectations accordingly if what we aspire is not up to our child's level and help them to achieve their best even if it is not at our best. Believe that they will do well and be successful in their own way and terms.
•  Whatever you are teaching and doing to your child may not be the best method. work with  your child to find what is better, listen and observe  your child most importantly believe that your child will be successful one day - they will find their niche, insyaallah.
• Please do not voice your disappointments openly to others about them. Do it quietly in consultation (without them around) Even when you tell them, do it gently and get them to plan with you how to overcome it - not just tell them and leave them to "think". They will think & feel they are useless and it will pull their self-esteem even lower.  
• It's ok to fail - I told my children this but what important is to learn from that failure and help them improve using other alternatives and ways. failing is not the end of the world - read this- PhD Students went from exams flop to cream of the crop
• Give your child the opportunity to problem solve - if it is not the matter of life and death - let them resolve their own problems.
• Guide and facilitate them to make smart choices but do not decide for them if it is not a matter of Iman & akidah, life & death.
• Most importantly - if you had tried your best as parents, then put your trust in Allah for He is the Sustainer, He will provide for your children, insya'Allah

May Allah continue giving us His guidance and bring us to the right path...Ameen

About knowing and being healthy

Peace be to all,
The month of Syawal is almost over, as a practice we will usually visit friends and relatives during this month. Though i enjoy being alone, i do make a point to visit my relatives and friends just to touch base and see how they are doing, we are living in a community after all. Tho i rather curl up at home, i had to force and extricate myself out. But at the end of the day it was always a pleasure meeting them and exchanging news and ideas. I am ever so grateful to have a bunch of great ppl around me, Alhamdulillah! :)

As usual we will have current and "major" topic to discuss and share about. Coincidentally, this year is about my hubby recent heart by-pass surgery. And so that become the "hot" topic for him to talk about this year as we went visiting. So the topic of discussion this year was on health. Ironically, tho many of us do know the importance of taking care of our health, the food served on our table showed otherwise. I tried my best to take as little as i could but temptation sometimes override and u tend to go with the flow. And so after each visits i will have to detox and exercise to burn the excess food i had taken the day before. Talking and knowing about healthy living is easy but being healthy and practicing what you know will take all the stamina and determination for you to be consistent.

We have both been trying to loose weight and we had successfully lost a few kg but the effect of "good food" had caused our weight to fluctuate like a yo-yo. So we need to work harder after each weekend and continue to persevere till we can successfully not only think healthy but also eat healthily, insya'Allah. This is one of the things that i don't quiet enjoy when we go from house to house. They are all good hosts and hostesses and such they tried their best to serve "good food" and as guest we don't have the heart to decline tho it harm our body, esp our hearts.

However, I had learned a few techniques of being seen as a good guest, if u already had had enuf;
1. delay taking the food as long as you can
2. take a bit and spread the food across the whole plate
3. "play" with your food and eat sparingly and slowly (to ensure there is always food on your plate)
4. Drink lots of water (plain, sugarless) so u r really "full" (u r not lying when u said u r full. it is also to help u fight the temptation of eating more than u need)
5. keep the conversation going or entertain your children
6. Don't forget to thank the guess for the lovely meal,
7. Remind yourself if u really like it - u can always eat it on another day when u are not full (by cooking it or buy it later) - don't force feed yourself and think that you had wasted the nice food by not eating them. But think of how much harm you will do to your body if you take excess food that your body can no longer take..

Alhamdulillah we r showered with plenty food in Singapore and most of us will not go hungry, insya'Allah, thus we do not need extra for keeps ;) these also apply to when i have wedding buffet to attend to...it is very risky to go on empty stomach, u tend to eat and want more than u need. SO I usually make sure i drink plenty of water and some fruits before approaching the buffet table ;) and it works! I will have not much appetite to eat thereafter and eat sparingly :)

BE HEALTHY & STAY CHEERFUL!!!